On Halloween — UPDATED!

Dear Amy,

It is that time of year again in Michigan, when the two weeks of autumn begin to give way to the five months of winter, and a single girl’s thoughts begin to turn toward OH CRAP HALLOWEEN IS THIS WEEKEND AND I TOTALLY DO NOT HAVE A COSTUME.

I’m not really a Halloween person. I like fall, and I like bats and cats and horror movies and pumpkins and the color orange…I just don’t get super excited about conceiving and executing costumes. It isn’t that I’m uncreative, it’s that I’m lazy and also that I spent the first twenty-five years of my life as an actor and got to tog it up in weird costumes like every WEEK, basically, so the allure of dressing up as someone else has kind of lost its charm for me. When I was in middle school I was very dour and had hair down past my boobs so I dressed as Wednesday Addams three years in a row. Two years ago I bought a red wig and threw on every plaid item of clothing I owned and went as Angela Chase from My So-Called Life.  Here is a photo of that.

Last year I didn’t even bother because I was in Alabama for a family thing, and apparently nobody down there gave a crap about Halloween either. Perhaps because they’re all Baptists.

Anyhoodle, I’m in a bit of a (self-created) bind this year because I am definitely invited to a few parties where I will definitely be expected to show up in costume. And while I don’t want to spend a lot of effort and money I also don’t wish to come across a half-assed jerkwad, since my friends are nice and probably are going to have gone to a lot of trouble to make their parties awesome and I am a mature adult now and don’t need to prove how cool and unaffected I am. I need to achieve the perfect balance of ingenuity and humor with a minimum of effort.  High concept, low-tech. One idea I had was “sexy” internet meme (must be initially unsexy).  So, for example “Sexy” Keyboard Cat . Or “Sexy” Nyan Cat .  Or “Sexy” Rage Comic Face .  Any help you could provide in this arena would be most appreciated.  Alternately I could go as Every Internet Cat Video Ever, which could be a TRIUMPH if done correctly.

Um…so what are you going to be for Halloween?

Love,
Annie

Dear Annie,

As a pregnant lady, this year will be a little different for me. When I first discovered I’d be “hugely” pregnant for the holiday, I got excited. I googled it, but what I came up with was disappointing: The main conceit seems to be cutting a hole in whatever you wear and painting your belly. For example, overalls with a hole in the middle and a belly painted like a pumpkin. A jersey with a hole in the middle and a belly painted like a basketball. And one particularly ballsy woman in a bikini with her belly painted like a beach ball.

I think it is fair to say that my belly should not be viewed publicly right now. My bellybutton has morphed into some sort of cartoon dog-snout and it’s off-center now, pointing somewhere over to the left like a lazy eye. (I don’t think “lazy eye” is politically correct, but I HAD A LAZY EYE and wore a patch every day for two years to correct it, so I think I am allowed to use the term.)

For the last few years, I have gone as Abe Lincoln. I’ve done it for a few years because it is a GREAT costume. It highlights the mannishness of my face, AND it proves that my face is indeed mannish. Strangers think I’m a man; friends don’t recognize me at first, and when they do, their initial response is terror. But pregnant Abe Lincoln seems weird. It takes out the people-actually-thinking-I’m-a-man element. It makes some kind of a statement, but I’m not sure what that statement is. That perhaps Lincoln was a woman? That is not a statement I want to make.


For the last few years at work, I’ve dressed as Mary Poppins. I work with children. It’s easily recognizable, and a real crowd pleaser. Somehow, dressing as Mary Poppins while pregnant feels scandalous. Is it the love child of the chimney sweep? From an illicit affair with a charge’s father? Did Mary decide to re-write the middle of Jane Eyre? Mary never struck me as the marrying type. More than anything, Mary’s not interested in being a mother, she’s interested in being a nanny. She loves children and enjoys taking care of them for a time, fixing their problems, and then floating back into the clouds. Mary’s a career girl, and her career requires a great deal of travel. I have been led to believe that babies don’t travel all that well, toddlers even less so. And WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MINDS would want to nanny for Mary Poppins’s kids??

Regardless, I am not really up on Internet memes, but the rage face guy looks pretty funny. I think you could make that costume fairly quickly with the cardboard from a frozen pizza and some papier mache. You’ll have to bring the girls along, of course, but with boobs like yours, I’d say there is always WAY MORE of a chance of cleavage than not. And thank goodness for that.

Anyway, to answer your question, I’m going as Abe Lincoln. Unless I can find suitable pieces for a William Taft costume between now and Saturday.

Love,
Amy

 

Update, because we know you’ve been DYING to know how it turned out!

Annie as Baberaham Lincoln, Amy as WIlliam Howard Taft.

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